


Justice

by februarystars



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, POV First Person, Present Tense, Regret, Unresolved Sexual Tension, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2013-12-09
Packaged: 2018-01-04 05:04:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1076852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/februarystars/pseuds/februarystars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is tormenting himself with the might-have-beens in his prison cell. Sif was never anyone's to give away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Justice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [murdur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdur/gifts).



Even before this apocalypse of mine, her eyes followed him. Always scanning, always cutting, always skimming over me without thought.

This is what I wanted. They belonged together, the golden boy and her. 

But that’s not quite right. Thor is golden and good and stupidly unquestioning of his motivations but though they are shallow, they are pure. But she chooses. She could have been like me. Not cruel, never cruel, but she measures. She weighs and plans and calculates. She is good, as good as he is, but she is more than that.

She is justice and he is honour and I am vengeance.

We never belonged together. So I cut her with cruel deliberation, when her face was softer, her eyes less sharp and her heart, she said, was mine. But I knew she could have the sun instead of the dark. Instead of me. I see her sweet, beautiful face first confused then hurt as I fling bladed words at her. I could never be with someone like you, every cruel thing I could think to say. Fuck knows I’ve tried to forget since. 

In my cell, I have nothing but time so I fill the universe of my walls with her. A dark shore, shining stars, quiet peace, I know not what I do and it is not by design but everything I create is something that reminds me of her. 

Grief tightens my throat and burns my eyes. 

“What is this place?” she asks, her voice shattering my mind. I smile and pretend to have known that she was there. Of course she can sneak up on me, she always could. Then her blade is at my throat.

“It is my home now,” I say, willing her to see beyond the words, to see herself all around me in the stars and the snowdrops and the dark rocks. But she takes my meaning at face value and thinks I mean the prison.

“I guess it is,” she says and lowers the blade. She faces me, her eyes wide and searching.

“Loki, enough of the lies and illusions. Why? Why did you do it? You could have —" but she stops and her eyes close. 

“Just tell me why.”

The pain is unbearable. She has seen me, the real me, and still wants something more. She wants something in me that was never there. 

My infamous twisting mastery of words fails me. All I can do is show her. I build that horrible day, the day when I tried to shove her into the sun, all around us. It’s a scene I’ve relived every single day since then so the illusion of bright heat, rough gold and cold green comes easy to me. Even the sounds and smells of preparations for a grand feast neither of us would attend are easy to summon. 

The truth is ready for her but she won’t open her eyes. I reach out and trace my thumb along the smooth line of her neck and she turns her head, giving me more skin to follow. I could worship her. She sort of moans and it breaks me and stills my hand. I pull her into the slightest, loosest embrace. She doesn’t respond but she doesn’t pull away. I tangle my fingers through her hair. It's down around her shoulders. I can't help pulling her harder into me. She melts into me a little, relents a little and I want to burn the whole world and start it all over until I deserve this woman. It is, however, just a goodbye and not a beginning. I kiss her cheek and take a moment to breathe her in, finally to feel her soft skin under my lips. 

“I have never,” I say, “been able to choose the right path.”

And it’s my turn to close my eyes and to pull away. The illusion stands as my testament. I show her that day through my eyes. The aftermath of my stupidity, my broken heart and the angry tears as our younger selves turn away from each other forever.

“You stupid boy. You stupid, stupid man,” she says. I think even now she could almost forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her. So I don’t open my eyes until I know she’s gone. I drop all of the illusions and I am alone in a cell with four close walls and little else besides. At least now she knows that I loved her. That I have always loved her. That I love her.

I lie down on the floor and begin to rebuild my world. I start with her.

**Author's Note:**

> I just hope it makes sense. I think Loki loves them both and loathes himself in equal measures.


End file.
